I burn my mouth and lungs with puffs of nicotine and I realized it feels too good to burn myself alive because darling, we were a perfect match but matches were meant to burn.
As I lay awake I think of you, and nothing but you. I think of how your lips touch mine, and I think of the way you are oh, so gentle, and how your touch makes it feel as if lightning is crawling under my skin. You make me feel like I am the most amazing person in so many ways it would take centuries to name them all, even though I’m not. Joy. You are joy, and you are calm. You calm me in ways no one has been able to achieve, and as I think of you, I think of nothing but you. I think of the way you laugh too hard at things that aren’t all that funny, or how your eyes get all crinkly in the corners and how your alluring smile lights up the entire room. I think of your drunk Saturday night words whispering in my ear, and I think about how you have come so far. I think about how at one point in my life, I never knew the significance of your name being spoken aloud. I never knew that one day, a single person could mean so much to me. I never knew that one day we would be like this. I could never have imagined something as perfect as us. I think of the way you walk and how the distance between each step is approximately 3 feet closer to your final destination, and how your final destination is where I wish to be. I think of how one starry night, you will lie awake, and maybe think of me too; we could be thinkers together.
It was cold and crisp and leaves crunched under our feet as we walked to the bench. I looked in his eyes and he looked in mine, and the world around us fell silent. The trains stopped blaring and the lights stopped ringing. The cold rail under my left hand was no longer cold when his hand touched over mine. And in that moment, the only thing moving was his eyes darting back and forth between mine.
I think the worst type of crying is when you don’t know the reason for your tears but you know you are broken and can’t be fixed.
“I love you, darling, please stop crying.” The tears poured down harder. “I will glue you back together even if it takes the last drop. Please, stop crying.”
He squeezed my hand just a little bit harder, and the world started moving again.