excerpt from a book i’ll never write #53

  1. If you can change one person’s life for the better you will have made all the difference in the world, for that one person will go on to change another life, and another, and another, and that is all that matters.
  2. Please be kind. Being kind takes just a second: holding the door for someone, complimenting his or her outfit or smile. There ae so many ways to be kind. Cruelty gains you nothing. Having a bad day does not justify you being an ass.
  3. Respect goes a long way, also. Just because there might be disagreements does not give you reason to lack respect. People have opinons and ideas that may differ from yours. There are so many benefits for being respectful. Just don’t be an ass. 
  4. Be a decent human being. No one wants to be near someone who does not care for others. 
  5. Drink lots of water. Your headaches will go away and your skin will clear up. You will wake up eith more ease and your body will thank you for it.
  6. Study for your classes and exams. School is valuable, whether you like ito r not, and if you go to college than each class could be hundreds of dollars. Don’t throw the money aeay because you’re a pretentious asshole. You’ll learn something, and knowledge is beautiful. 
  7. Save some time for yourself. “Me time” is wonderful, and you need to relax. It’s okay if you don’t go out this weekend; sometimes your health is more important than  night you might not even remember anyway. 
  8. Take a shower. Wash your sheets. Brush your teeth and hair. Put on deodorant. Hygiene is key to a healthy life, and no one wants to smell you anyway. 
  9. Manage your time. Break up your day into chunks and play a game of Tetris with it. Make sure you leave time for sleep. Procrastination leads to nothing but stress and breakouts. 
  10. Live YOUR life. You need to face the reality that no one can live your life but yourself, and sometimes being a doctor or lawyer isn’t for you. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to be whatever you want.
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excerpt from a book i’ll never write #48

"Please, don't worry about hurting me
I have no feelings anyway,"
I said to you with sincerity
As I slid onto the highway.

I told you my heart would never break,
But I slowly hear it shatter.
It turns out that I truly feel an ache
While my tears go pitter-patter.

You asked what makes my heart soar,
And I kissed you in reply.
But to you I only was a bore,
And with that, you said goodbye.

It was her in your arms you longed for.
You might have thought it were clever.
I guess to you we never belonged.
I really hoped we would end up together.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #35

I burn my mouth and lungs with puffs of nicotine and I realized it feels too good to burn myself alive because darling, we were a perfect match but matches were meant to burn.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #34

We must have one love, one great love; it gives us an excuse for all the moments we are filled with despair.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #29

The only thing I know for sure is that the day ends, and the stars will come out and darkness is temporary. But don’t the lights in the sky look so beautiful?

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #28

It was only one night, but his hands running down her back and his lips on her neck seem to be a broken record in her head. It’s not that she misses his smell or the spark of his skin on hers; she craves touch. Any touch. She craves the touch of his arm on hers or their fingers laced. She misses the touch of his breath on her ear as he whispers sweet nothings. But a “he” is just that, and any he will do, and it’s one thing to be alone but another to be lonely. It’s 1:05 in the morning and she’s drunk but he’s the only one on her mind. And him, and him too. Her head spins and her ears are ringing with the words she should have screamed aloud a long time ago, but the worst thing about falling to pieces is that humans do it so quietly. No one hears her heart crack or the soft patter of dripping blood on new, white sheets, and no one can hear her mismatched breaths as she tries to find someone a little better than him. She’s lying in her bed, in her house, and all she wants to do is go home.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #27

I’ve spent most of my life chasing the person I want to be. Because 20-year-old me will have better friends, and 25-year-old me will land a killer job, and 30-year-old me will be madly in love. And me 6 months from now will be skinnier, and me a year from now will be more confident, and me some time from now will be better somehow. So much better. For years, this is what I thought. That if I could just wait it out, everything would get better.

It took me a long time to realize that life doesn’t work that way. Older doesn’t mean happier or easier, and it certainly doesn’t mean better; it just means older. Life isn’t a well plotted screen play, or a checklist, or, God forbid, some waiting room. We need to stop waiting. Life isn’t about growing up to be all that we’ve ever wanted; it’s just about growing. 

It’s about love, and change, and crying yourself to sleep when it’s all too much; working at a burger joint, and kissing your best friend even though he might not like you back, and calling your mom every Sunday because you miss her like hell. It’s the puffs of cigarettes even though you hate them. It’s kissing random strangers on the side of a bar, even though you already kissed your best friend. It’s fights, and promotions, and hospital visits. Trips to no where and discovering new hiding spots. And then it’s this: another wedding of another one of your high school or college friends, the third one this year, but this time you meet a groomsman who’s just as down on love as you and you dance all night. And this: he cries when you say “I do.” And this: a kid with your eyes and his dorky ears.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s this: you write everything, everywhere, all the time, even when the prettier kids make fun of you, and the short teacher with the big nose tells you it’s good. Really good. And this: you’re living in a shoebox, by the skin of your teeth, but there’s a bar across the street that lets you read your poetry, and every time you do, someone in the crowd finally knows what it feels like to be understood. Maybe they even throw you five dollars, just because. And this: your words being published. Your words. Your honest, horrifyingly truthful words. Being bought by people who could be spending their money on anything at all. And you sit in your twin bed where you’ve written your entire novel, a dozen empty coffee mugs still dirty on the nightstand, and you scream until your lungs burn because you can, and because you have a voice that needs to be heard. 
It’s all of these things, and bad things, and good things, and the raw realization that it doesn’t get better or worse, it just gets different. We grow. And change. Always, always changing. And somehow that makes it more wonderful. Because future you may have the friends, and the boy, and the job, but she didn’t get it by waiting around. She is a product of you. Right now, tomorrow, changing and growing every moment that follows. Day by day, nothing seems to change, but when we look back everything is different. She is kind, and breathing, and beautiful. But she waits for the day she doesn’t have to worry about paying a mortgage bill, and she worries too often about what people think of her. She still doesn’t have it together.
 And maybe that’s what I’ve learned after all this time. Nobody has it together.

We’re all just here, floundering around in pursuit of being something more. Broken, thoughtful creatures with too much time on our hands, desperate for the companionship of someone who reminds us that we are not alone. We don’t have much of anything figured out. Maybe we never will. But more importantly, I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.