excerpt from a book i’ll never write #45

The beer bottle rolled from one end of the table to the next, leaving a trail of carbonated amber leftovers where it stopped. Smoke tumbled from the glass ashtray next to the glass bottle, and her heart silently shattered like glass, too.

She whispered through tears over the roaring TV and his labored breaths, “come closer.” The air moving in his lungs was tainted with that God-awful acrid smell.

“Do you like me?” His question seemed irrelevant, but when she looked into his eyes she saw something brutally honest. She saw a flash of fear; something he never would have let be seen if he were sober.

“Don’t be an idiot and just come closer.” His hand fell on her head and he kissed her cheek and wondered who in God’s name could have made her heart hurt so damn much.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #40

I do not want to be human. I want to be myself, and they expect me to be a lion to chase you to the ends of the world. I will not deny that I have lion in me, for I am made of the same elements as they are, but I have parts of myself that I do not understand; and the rest is rust and stardust.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #36

Do you ever realize how badly you’re going to miss a moment while you’re living it? Like wow, these are good days. I am here and I am happy and I feel alive, and I’m scared I’m never going to feel alive again.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #35

I burn my mouth and lungs with puffs of nicotine and I realized it feels too good to burn myself alive because darling, we were a perfect match but matches were meant to burn.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #34

We must have one love, one great love; it gives us an excuse for all the moments we are filled with despair.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #33

An Open Letter To My Best Friend:

Dear Forever Friend,

Thank you for everything you have done. I don’t think you realize what our friendship means to me. I can call your home a home almost more than I can call my own a home. Your family have opened their arms to me in more ways than one, and I am forever grateful for everything you all have done for me. From the vacations to the bored summer days spent in your backyard tanning, I don’t know what I would do without you. I think my favorite part is when you, your sister, your mom and I cram into your parents bed and talk about everything and nothing. I love when your grandparents are in town because I care about them as if they were my own. These little moments mean the most to me.

I don’t think you understand, really, that you have saved my life more than once. While it may seem dark, I think about you in my worst times. Whenever I have been on the edge of giving up I would think about how badly I would hurt you and your family. I know that if anything bad were to ever happen to me you would blame yourself, and because of that, I stay away from dangerous situations and scenarios. You know more about me than anyone. I know that your family would miss me probably more than mine would, and that is what keeps me sane. I know that if I ever need a place to stay, the key to your house will always work. I remember during our freshman year I was worried about being pregnant, and you told me that if my family kicked me out that you had room in your bed to fit me in. I remember during our junior year, when a boy broke my heart, I came into your house unannounced, a blubbering mess, and each one of you gave me a hug and told me to stay as long as I needed and that everything would be okay. And I believed you. Thank you for sharing my love of tanning and rompers and nicotine. Because of everything you have taught me and the lessons you give, I am in such a better place. You listen when no one else does, and you care about what I have to say. I appreciate you. Because of all these things, I would do anything for you and your family. I literally mean anything. 

I am not worried about what the separation of college will bring; I have faith in our friendship to last even the largest of separations. I know it might sound cliché, but 247 miles have nothing on us. As you mentioned, there are planes and trains and cars and I’d walk to you if I had no other way 🙂

Your undying passion for writing and books and basketball is forever inspiring. You push me to be a better person, even if you don’t know it. I love you more than words could ever describe, and I am so proud of you. You have overcome so much and you have an entire life ahead of you to accomplish even more. You will do great things, no matter which path you choose. Whether it be journalism or sports management, or anything else you might want to do, you will be great at it; I know this because you are determined, and you don’t give up on your dreams. I truly admire that quality, and again, it pushes me to be better.

So, thank you. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for inviting me to sit with you at lunch in seventh grade. I will always be here for you no matter what, just as you have been there for me so many times.

Love always,

Allie