excerpt from a book i’ll never write #11

I don’t love you to death, because that means I’d die for you. I love you to life, because all of the little things you do make me want to keep living. Yeah, I’d live for you, and I think that’s a little better than dying.

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excerpt from a book i’ll never write #10

Her eyes glow when she talks about the things she loves; I mean, they really glow, kid, and they glow for hours after. I tell my mother that the sound of her laugh is happiness in concentrate. Her eyes, green pools of swirling madness, hold nothing short of passion and intelligence. Her brilliance radiates through her; she can cure sadness with a grin. Her smile is sunshine, let me tell you. But none of these do her justice, no, she is serenity and she is peace all in one. She brings so much happiness and joy to those around her; I genuinely pity those who have never been touched by her grace.

But when the night goes cold and the sun sets behind her favorite clouds, her eyes grow dark and weary. The once vibrant smile can no longer hold up the world. How is it that someone so strong, so powerful, can crumble under the weight of darkness? How is it that someone with so much eagerness to experience, rather than just exist, no longer finds the energy to lift her head from the pillow? Her eyes go glassy and she puts her head on my chest, and in this moment, she gives me her strength and her power. As tidal waves pour out of her eyes and crash into my chest, I know.

I know I love her. God, she is mine, and I love her. I love her in the darkest moments; I love her when the sun shines through her eyes, bringing warmth to her surroundings, and I love her when the shadows behind her eyes move through her, too. I love her when she can conquer the world or when she no longer is determined to live past the morning. I love her when she crumbles under the weight of the world. I love her when she wants to cry but she won’t. I love her in everything that she ever was and everything that she ever will be. I pull her closer and whisper in her ear, “Tomorrow the sun will rise again, and we will be okay. You will be okay, and we will try once more.”

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #9

20 things i love

1. waking up on a sunday morning, a little too early, and knowing i have a couple more hours to sleep, so i roll over with my white sheets, snuggling up to you

2. taking my hair out of a ponytail and smelling the lavender conditioner you bought me

3. when im supposed to be home at 11:30pm but it’s 2:15 in the morning and im sitting next to you

4. my best friends

5. surfing the internet without cause

6. writing a string of words so perfect you think you could read them somewhere famous

7. getting really good grades on tests and quizzes i have studied hard for

8. sunshine

9. dogs

10. stars and constellations and galaxies and everything in between

11. really funny videos; the ones that make you roll over laughing with your dad on a saturday afternoon, rewinding over and over again

12. getting my paycheck and knowing i have a little bit of extra spending money this week

13. the notion that we are all just a little stardust; we are the universe made conscience

14. roadtrips with important people

15. trespassing

16. chicago during christmas time; or any time, really

17. when it’s three days later and i finally found that word that i was looking for

18. holding hands

19. random facts; the ones that really stick in your brain for god knows what reason

20. loving and being loved in return

 

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #8

Her heart started as a whole.

Since the seventh grade

I have silently observed

while I watched

others ripping

it to shreds.

Her first love beat

her heart to a pummel,

wearing nothing

but a glove to hide the

evidence.

Her skin and bones

were torn and broken,

and she called that love. 

But soon she was choking

because she could no longer

distinguish between

love and anger.
Year after year, 

her best friends moved away

and left her to stink

in this rotting hell hole,

while she would much

rather be sitting at the bay.

She silently tried

to understand why

they never wanted to stay,

and year after year

she was sick

because her father

left her when she was six,

and he no longer called

on her birthday.

Or any day.
Her second love was no better

than the first,

and while she thought

he was the world

she was only

killing part of herself

while he found refuge

in another girl,

and she was alone.
Her heart

was no longer a whole,

and each night

she looks at the moon

with an awe filled swoon.

Her jaw slightly ajar,

wondering what

other life forms

are afar,

while aliens pass

her by with their

stuck-up noses

in the air.

Day after day,

as she takes her pair

of torn up shoes,

she tries to find

another home.

They are Martians,

and she hears nothing

but insults and she turns

them into stammers

of a foreign language

rambling

inside her head,

and she imagines.

She imagines:

what if her life is

on another planet;

something far better

than the life she has given

on this one.
She lets her dreams

come in,

and one day,

I hope she lets me come in.

Someday,

someone will look

at her like she looks

at the moon, and

someday, she will be

the star shining in

someone’s eyes and I hope

that someone is me.

Since the seventh grade,
I have witnessed her degrade 

and tried to offer a helping hand,

only to have it slapped

back in my face with

I’m fine

and

I’m just tired.
Her heart 

is no longer a whole,

but I will chase those pieces down

from corner to corner

of every person

who has ever hurt her,

and I will find that

something that keeps her together

and glue the pieces

to each other,

so her heart stays whole

forever.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #7

Text Messages I Never Sent

My eyes are burning with tears but I wish my throat was burning with the taste of cheap liquor. Maybe it would hurt less than this. 2.21.16 01:16

I had such a bad dream last night and I wish that you were here there to help me. 2.26.16 07:13

I’m crying and freaking out and all I ever wanted was you. I only want you. I hope you’re doing okay. 2.29.16 22:47

It’s snowing really hard right now and I keep looking at it and thinking that it’s beautiful just like you, and it shines like your smile and I guess I’m just seeing you in everything because there is always something that reminds me of you. 3.1.16 13:23

I love you. Don’t let the bed bugs bite. 3.4.16 00:31

I wish you still loved me. 3.20.16 19:55

I fucked up, I fucked up. You’re gone, you’re gone, you’re gone. 4.18.16 13:26

God I hate you. 4.24.16 20:24

No, I don’t. 4.24.16 20:32

I’m craving your every touch. Please come back to me. 5.1.16 15:55

You don’t say I love you anymore. It’s not okay, but it’s fine. I’m not okay, but I’m fine. I’m not okay. I need you. I don’t need you. I need you. I’m leaving, I’m staying, I’m leaving, I need you. Please don’t go, please don’t push me away. I want you forever; I want to marry you. Please just leave me alone, don’t go. I want to rip my skin apart but you say it doesn’t solve anything but trying to talk to you doesn’t solve anything either because you’re so sick of me. I’m sick of me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please don’t go. I’m surrounded by people, but God I’m so alone. 5.3.16 23:09

At times I thought I would die because I missed you so much. 5.6.16 19:21

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m drowning. I want to drown. 5.6.16 23:09

I saw you in my sleep and I kissed you and kissed you like I couldn’t fucking breathe. I woke up alone, and you weren’t mine to keep. 5.13.16 05:46

I think I’m okay. 5.26.16 23:27

No I’m not. 5.26.16 23:32

I know I need to move on but you’re the only person I want right now and that doesn’t help me at all. 6.10.16 01:33

My heart still aches for you but I know it shouldn’t. 6.23.16 07:14

I spent so much time with you loving me that I never learned how to love myself. Fuck you for that. 6.27.16 00:30

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. 6.27.16 00:42

I never knew what people meant by saying home is where your heart is, but I haven’t held you for months and I’m homesick. 6.28.16 01:18

I just got home and I’m no longer thinking of you. I’m a hypocrite. 7.15.16 03:58

He’s super nice to me. You never were. 7.22.16 21:48

I have another boyfriend. It hurts because I feel like I can’t give him my all. Because you took it away. It sucks because no matter what I do I always compare him to you, and he always wins. And all he wants to do is make me happy. You never did. I still want to make you happy. 8.9.16 09:13

I just left his house and he said he would love me forever and I tried remembering when you said that to me but I can no longer remember the sound of your voice or the smell of your skin and I can’t tell if I am nostalgic or just damn straight miss you. I hope it’s the former. Fuck you. 9.5.16 01:14

It’s almost your birthday. I miss your mom, I miss the s’mores. I miss putting post-it notes around your room. I don’t miss you. 9.28.16 21:50

You never annoyed me like he did. I could listen to you talk forever. 10.11.16 22:52

Part of me wishes that someday you’ll come around. I know you never will. Maybe 5 or 10 years from now we will run into each other. Maybe right now just wasn’t the right time. Maybe we can start somewhere new. Maybe. I hope not. 10.20.16 00:29

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #6

My chest is tight and my demons are tying ropes around my lungs and I have broken all my pairs of scissors and knives trying to save you instead. I wish I could use the shards of my heart to sever these suffocating restraints, but I placed them in your hands on that lovely night and you never gave them back.