excerpt from a book i’ll never write #45

The beer bottle rolled from one end of the table to the next, leaving a trail of carbonated amber leftovers where it stopped. Smoke tumbled from the glass ashtray next to the glass bottle, and her heart silently shattered like glass, too.

She whispered through tears over the roaring TV and his labored breaths, “come closer.” The air moving in his lungs was tainted with that God-awful acrid smell.

“Do you like me?” His question seemed irrelevant, but when she looked into his eyes she saw something brutally honest. She saw a flash of fear; something he never would have let be seen if he were sober.

“Don’t be an idiot and just come closer.” His hand fell on her head and he kissed her cheek and wondered who in God’s name could have made her heart hurt so damn much.

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excerpt from a book i’ll never write #40

I do not want to be human. I want to be myself, and they expect me to be a lion to chase you to the ends of the world. I will not deny that I have lion in me, for I am made of the same elements as they are, but I have parts of myself that I do not understand; and the rest is rust and stardust.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #36

Do you ever realize how badly you’re going to miss a moment while you’re living it? Like wow, these are good days. I am here and I am happy and I feel alive, and I’m scared I’m never going to feel alive again.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #35

I burn my mouth and lungs with puffs of nicotine and I realized it feels too good to burn myself alive because darling, we were a perfect match but matches were meant to burn.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write #32

On 11:11, I made a wish. I guess I wished for the same thing that I’ve always wished for since the beginning. My mother always told me that telling my wishes made them not come true, but here’s to the chance that maybe it will anyway. I wish for a life so brave, so unpredictable, and so full of unexpected joys and unforgettable love that no box could ever contain all the memories. I think that with a life like that, no one could ever be sad. My best friend told me today that life moves like a train, and we can either take a seat, or get hit by the flying train cars.

But today I had a thought.

Maybe things aren’t always meant to be. Maybe they don’t always happen for a reason, and we are just reaching and grasping for a way to make sense of the chaos around us. Maybe we are giving meaning to things that have no meaning. And what if we all are clinging to hope so tight that we forget about reality? What if everyone is just wrong? And nothing is meant to be?

Perhaps we are just lost souls wandering endlessly, desperately trying to seek comfort in the notion that things will work out in the end, no matter what. What if we tricked ourselves into believing that everything will be okay just so we don’t have to face the reality that maybe it won’t?

And again, my thoughts consume me.